What could be more simple?

I'm a fairly intelligent person. I have a background in biology (yes, that was my major in college) with more than a basic knowledge of the "birds and bees." But still, I would like to buy into the concept of pregnancy and childbirth being a simple process. After all, women have been getting pregnant and having babies for thousands of years! The truth is, it isn't simple at all and I know as well as anyone (better than most, perhaps) how complicated it really is... below I share my experience(s) with pregnancy and childbirth...it is a LONG story so it may take several entries before it is all said and done...

My husband and I did it all "right." We both remained virgins until our wedding night. We waited to get pregnant until after we'd been married for over a year so we had time to get used to each other before adding the stress of a new baby to our relationship. We prepared for our first baby (I took prenatal vitamins for a few months BEFORE we wanted to try to get pregnant, etc.). So, when I got pregnant so easily (the first month we were trying), everything seemed perfect about this "simple" process of having a baby. We were THRILLED to say the least. However, the process turned out to be much more complicated than we could have ever anticipated in our naivety.

Pregnancy #1: I just had the feeling that I was pregnant (being physically ill and already unable to fit into your size 2 pants BEFORE you miss your period is a pretty big clue--and standard for all my pregnancies, it turns out...except for the size 2 part) so I tested the day I expected my period. It was a Big Fat Positive (BFP). I couldn't wait to tell my husband because I knew he would be excited too. I called one of the few OB/GYNs still practicing in the area we lived (stupid malpractice insurance forced a lot to give up the OB title). I wanted a midwife (it was less "medical" and that is exactly what I wanted for this "simple" process that women had been going through for thousands of years), so I found the only one in the area accepting new patients (we moved from out of state 6 months prior) with our insurance. I miraculously got an appointment almost immediately. Most practices don't see you until you are at least 8 weeks (sometimes 12), but I was only 5.5 weeks at my first appointment! It couldn't have been better...

The Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) was wonderful. I really liked Sharon and her nurse. She wanted to give me an ultrasound (u/s) to confirm my dates. She couldn't find anything on the screen, but she said that wasn't a concern because it was so early and she wasn't familiar with the machine (this was the first one she had ever done, it turns out). I had to go back 2.5 weeks later for a scan with the ultrasound tech. That one went much better. It turns out that you have to do them trans vaginally rather than on your belly early on...it was a huge relief to see what was our very first child, albeit looking NOTHING like a baby. I was due on October 2nd, 2004 according to my dates but the u/s tech wanted to push it back as much as 2 weeks according to the scan. She wasn't worried, and I tried not to be.

I continued to work at my high stress job (I worked in an inner-city school with special ed kids) while having terrible morning sickness (lets tell the truth...it was ALL DAY sickness). I wasn't gaining any weight (I actually lost weight!) and that was a concern for the midwife. I was told to quit my job or risk miscarriage. A couple of weeks later, I quit. We announced to our families our happy news. Then I had another u/s to make sure the baby was growing because I was losing weight and we couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler (they said that was normal with a tilted uterus, which I had at the time). I was 13 weeks, 2 days pregnant. We looked at the screen, fully anticipating seeing that little heart beat, but we saw nothing. The Dr said, "I don't know what that means. Get dressed and come to my office." Um, lets just say I HATED that man! I KNEW what it meant...it certainly wasn't good news! My husband tried to console me, but it didn't work. He was just as devastated as I was. They scheduled a D&E (dilation and evacuation) the following week because my body was not letting go of my dead little baby and I risked infection. I had the D&E on March 26th, 2004. This is the date I remember as the death of my first baby...

Pregnancy #2: We were told to wait a full 3 months before trying again due to the possible problems associated with the surgery. We bought a house and I worked on that (it needed tons of work!) as therapy and to pass the time. We waited and got pregnant again the very first time we tried! We were again THRILLED. We had been told that the first miscarriage was due to the stress of my job (it was physically as well as mentally stressful--not that it was part of the job description). It was a FLUKE! We were sad about the loss of our first baby, but we were excited about baby #2. I went back for all the appointments. This time, we were due on April 4, 2005. Not a bad day...my best friend from Jr. high and high school was born on April 5th and I wouldn't mind hitting that day! We had our scan at 6 weeks this time. All was well with the world, but we were more cautious in telling people just in case. Having to explain to people over and over again why I wasn't bigger or have a baby in my arms was just too much to bear...

The Dr wanted to do a second scan to ease my mind. I just couldn't shake the bad feeling despite the symptoms of pregnancy and the constant reassurance from the CNM and Dr. I was 10.5 weeks...the baby's heart was no longer beating. Devastation doesn't describe how I felt. One miscarriage can be a fluke, but two in a row? And after getting pregnant so easily both times? I had to have another D&E (on August 26th, 2004) because, once again, my body wanted to remain pregnant with my dead little baby. Following this miscarriage, the Dr wanted to do a few tests to rule out any common and treatable causes of miscarriage. All the blood work came back normal. We chose not to pursue the invasive tests at that time. I couldn't handle it emotionally.

Our lives continued...considerably less bright than before. And, since we chose to tell no one about pregnancy/miscarriage #2, I felt very alone. However, it was a lot better than having to endure all the well-intentioned insensitivity of stupid people that I had to put up with after the first miscarriage. We were trying to prevent pregnancy #3 because I was a wreck emotionally. We got involved in leadership in our small church and went on a missions trip to El Salvador over Thanksgiving, which brings me to...

Pregnancy #3: We were in El Salvador and I just knew I was pregnant again despite all our efforts to prevent it. I was devastated when I returned to the States and took that test. The last thing I wanted to see was a BFP! I don't even remember telling my husband or his reaction...I was in shock and disabled with fear. I cried and cried, but I tried not to do it in front of my sweet husband who did his best to stay upbeat and reassure me. He had the faith that God would give us this baby that I could not understand. He was my rock when I worried about everything (and nothing) and expected the worst...

I wasn't allowed to see the CNM this time because of my history. I was put on Prometrium (progesterone) immediately as a precaution (in case I had a luteal phase defect), and I was watched VERY closely. I wasn't willing to tell anyone! How do you tell people you're pregnant a 3rd time but have no baby? I was in denial for sure. I joined an online support group (well, I read all the posts for a long time before I actually wrote anything) for women who had had multiple miscarriages and were once again pregnant. I liked the anonymity of that and knowing that I wasn't the only one who suffered such terrible loss. The u/s's all looked good. We heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks (first time EVER we hit that milestone!). I gained weight! That was a very good thing! And, I was HUGE very early on. I did everything possible to hide the fact that I was pregnant, and thankfully, no one ever asked, although many later told me they assumed I was gaining weight because I had let myself go (LOL). My father-in-law even came to visit when I easily looked 8 months pregnant and he didn't notice! My love of big sweaters on cool days helped a little, but he is oblivious to those little (or shall I say BIG) details, so I was extremely grateful!

I had several scares. I started spotting at 11 weeks. I started bleeding RED clots a couple of weeks later. Each time. I went in to be checked. Everything looked normal and there was no evidence of a bleed. I continued to bleed through 16 weeks and then it just stopped. I had never experienced spotting before, but it certainly didn't ease my already fearful mind. I was a basket case! At 19 weeks (there were a couple of women in the waiting room that asked how overdue i was--I was HUGE!), we had the anatomy scan (check the heart, other organs, etc.) and we knew then that we had a little girl. A couple of weeks later, we decided to share with our families that I was pregnant again (but we still didn't tell them about pregnancy/miscarriage #2) by sending scrapbook ornaments I made. It included the due date (August 9, 2005), pictures of our little girl via ultrasound, and her name. I was 21 weeks pregnant at that time...more than half-way. And I was STILL sick! Morning (again, ALL DAY) sickness lasted through 26 weeks. Right after I sent those ornaments, I did something STUPID! I picked up our 50 pound boxer/bulldog mix because she got out of our fence and wouldn't come when called. As soon as I did it, I knew I had messed up. My back popped and HURT, and I was leaking a clear fluid...this couldn't be good...

I called the Dr and rested with my feet up. Still, I leaked fluid periodically. I went to the Dr to get checked out. Thankfully, that fluid was pee rather than amniotic fluid! But it was still horrible. I had to go to a chiropractor three times a week for an adjustment and massage therapy at the doctor's order because two of my ribs were twisted and at risk of puncturing my lung! I am skeptical and didn't want anyone manipulating my spine, but the 20 minutes of relief from the excruciating pain I was in was worth each visit! I was put on moderate bed rest (able to be up 4-6 hours a day but still not allowed to do anything "strenuous") and the days went by very slowly. I continued to work at my low stress job (at a scrapbook store) a few hours a week along with weekly Dr appointments and 3 times weekly chiropractor/massage therapy sessions.

I never got comfortable with my pregnancy. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop after all that had gone wrong. It didn't help that the Dr kept telling me that I wouldn't make it to 28 weeks (no reason was given, but that statement played over and over in my mind my entire pregnancy). Near the end, I had to have non-stress tests (to see how the baby's heartbeat responded to contractions I wasn't feeling). I went an entire day unable to feel her move! She was usually so active that it was a big concern for the Dr's as well as myself. We were sent to labor & delivery (L&D) for monitoring. As soon as we got the monitors strapped on, she decided to kick me and we were sent home a little later with the assurance that all was fine.

I was supposed to have a Dr's appointment at 1pm on that Tuesday, so my husband left for work at 3 am (if he could get a full day in before lunch, he could go with me and not go back to work). At 4 am, I woke up with back pain and decided to take a warm bath to ease the discomfort. This wasn't uncommon...those ribs rubbing up against my lungs HURT! After a few minutes in the tub, I decided I was in labor (back labor SUCKS!) and called my husband to have him come home. I called the Dr and she told me to stay home until my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart for 4-5 hours! I thought, "NO WAY!" and we left for the hospital as soon as my husband got home. I couldn't breathe with the back pain (thanks to those ribs) and the contractions didn't seem to let up.

We were at the hospital and I had been checked by 5:15 am. I was 5 cm dilated and according to the monitors, having 4.5 minute long contractions (2.5 minute peaks) with only 10 seconds from end to finish. Our little girl's heart rate was plummeting with every contraction. The nurse looked at me and said it was time for an epidural. I DID NOT want an epidural! I wanted a natural birth! When I refused, I was told it was either an epidural to see if it could slow down my contractions or I was going to have an emergency C-section. An epidural sounded pretty good then. By 6 am, the anesthesiologist came in (called off a surgery) and he, along with 3 nurses and my husband, gave me that epidural. Because it was being given DURING contractions, the nurses (and my poor husband) had to force my head and shoulders to my knees. This is no easy task and HURTS, especially with the back labor, twisted ribs, and not being able to breathe! But, once the medication took effect (immediately), I was ready to make the anesthesiologist my new best friend! It was the first time in months that I didn't have any pain! And, it worked like a charm in slowing my labor. I had normal contractions 2 minutes apart (on the monitor--I could feel NOTHING) and was fully dilated and effaced by 8 am (that is the first time they checked me after the epidural). The Dr finally came in and broke my water. There was meconium in the amniotic fluid due to the distress she was in during my marathon contractions before the epidural, but she decided to let me "labor down" a little more so she could run over to her office (across the street) and then quickly come back. At noon, the Dr still hadn't returned and I told the nurse I didn't want to wait for the Dr anymore. I still couldn't feel anything (it was a REALLY STRONG epidural) but I should have been pushing at 8 am! At 12:30 pm, the CNM came in.

There were 2 nurses along with the CNM in the room. They were chatting with each other rather than telling me when to push (when you can't feel the contractions, you need to rely on the machine that you can't see!). Needless to say, I pushed for 1 hour 15 minutes. I could feel my cervix tear (quite badly, actually--she stitched me up for 25 minutes) as they kept saying the baby was spinning in the birth canal. Hearing, "I've never seen this before," for the third time (1st with the 4.5 minute contractions & 2nd during the epidural) was a little disheartening. Immediately after my little girl was born, the placenta was birthed as well, with calcifications. They suctioned out her mouth and nose and took her away to make sure no meconium made its way into her lungs. I had to wait to see her and hold her. It seemed like an eternity! But I was being sewn up while I waited so when they brought her back to me, I could concentrate fully on her!

Madeleine was beautiful. She had curly red hair and dark, slate blue eyes. She was born at 1:47 pm on August 2nd, 2005, weighing in at 6 lbs, 8 oz and was 18.3 in long. Seeing her and holding her was the first time I actually felt good about my third pregnancy. It was OVER and my life with my first living child (although she will forever be my 3rd baby) had begun. We were so grateful that God gave her to us.